Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
What is my purpose?
I feel as if I have no purpose here. I don't do much. I sit around my room, think, and not do anything. I'm failing school, I suck at playing my instrument, I only have one friend (that's online), and I am just lazy. I procrastinate, I don't do things well, and I'm always scared. I'm always too damn scared to ask for anything for my projects and stuff.
I have had some problems lately. Mental issues which developed into physical issues. I've been stressed. Depressed, angry, suicidal, and lonely. I don't mind lonely, depression just makes me sleep, anger gets me in trouble, and suicidal is not fun. I have been talking to my counselor. It helped at the beginning, but now nothing. I want to be homeschooled. My dad won't let me. You see, my parents don't give a fuck about me. I could tell them something is wrong and I need whatever and they will say "No. You're fine. Go clean your room" AND THEN, When I bring in an F from school because of my negative attitude lately they will say "HEY, WHY THE HELL IS THIS AN F?" And I'm like "UH, I BELIEVE I TOLD YOU THAT I CAN'T WORK IN THAT DAMNED BUILDING" and then they are like "NO EXCUSES GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
>_>. Great parenting. My mom praises my brother. She loves him. She never says a word about me. Other than the fact that I'm getting older, and getting fatter. My mom's friends talk about how great their kids are, and what activities they are doing. My mom says "Oh! Zy (my brother) is at a new school and made friends!" And her friends sometimes ask "What about Noriko?" And I kid you not I heard her say this once:
"She's having problems. I think she may be insane, but don't say anything. She is a hikikomori and an otaku and she won't get anywhere in life. I mean, she doesn't do anything!"
Then she went on to rant about how I'm a loser. Thanks, mom. I love you too.
Also, I have been getting some things told to me that I don't like. I'm too young to understand? Really? You really think that?
My parents divorced when I was 4. I have never seen them happy together. My dad was forced to Cuba and stuff for the Navy. I lived with my mom, who was depressed so she slept all day. So, at age 7 I was already cooking and cleaning and taking care of my brother. At age 10 I moved in with my dad. He introduced me to the internet. I was in love.
The internet was automatically amazing to me. I got on and all the sites I could go to were great. Now, the stuff that I've seen on the internet made me understand a lot of things. I've seen dead people, people getting killed, sex, rape, threats, death threats, chain mail, idiots, etc. So, my dad even once told me a couple years ago (At the time I was 13) he said:
"Even though you're 13, she (his girlfriend) doesn't understand that you're more mature for your age. You may be 13 age wise but mentally you are probably 17."
I automatically shot back at him that I was still pretty immature. Getting angry at stupid things, etc. He tells me that I have mental issues. Hah.
So THEEEEEN, later in life, I find out about my "mental issues". Social anxiety disorder, something that makes me not be able to put thoughts into words or something. It limits my learning. And then there was more but I'm not trying to think right now. My head hurts.
And then a few months ago I got all depressed. Yaaaaaaaay.
Anxiety attacks, constant shaking and weakening, I don't talk that often anymore so now when I do talk a lot I start to lose my voice so quick. My head is always hurting, I'm always tired, but I can't sleep. Oh no no no. I can't sleep. I've been unmotivated. I've felt like nothing. I don't even feel like typing all of this.
I'll type the rest later.
I need to finish this project.
Which I probably won't do. I'll probably do lay down and think or maybe even just stare at stuff.
It's a hobby, you know?
I have had some problems lately. Mental issues which developed into physical issues. I've been stressed. Depressed, angry, suicidal, and lonely. I don't mind lonely, depression just makes me sleep, anger gets me in trouble, and suicidal is not fun. I have been talking to my counselor. It helped at the beginning, but now nothing. I want to be homeschooled. My dad won't let me. You see, my parents don't give a fuck about me. I could tell them something is wrong and I need whatever and they will say "No. You're fine. Go clean your room" AND THEN, When I bring in an F from school because of my negative attitude lately they will say "HEY, WHY THE HELL IS THIS AN F?" And I'm like "UH, I BELIEVE I TOLD YOU THAT I CAN'T WORK IN THAT DAMNED BUILDING" and then they are like "NO EXCUSES GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
>_>. Great parenting. My mom praises my brother. She loves him. She never says a word about me. Other than the fact that I'm getting older, and getting fatter. My mom's friends talk about how great their kids are, and what activities they are doing. My mom says "Oh! Zy (my brother) is at a new school and made friends!" And her friends sometimes ask "What about Noriko?" And I kid you not I heard her say this once:
"She's having problems. I think she may be insane, but don't say anything. She is a hikikomori and an otaku and she won't get anywhere in life. I mean, she doesn't do anything!"
Then she went on to rant about how I'm a loser. Thanks, mom. I love you too.
Also, I have been getting some things told to me that I don't like. I'm too young to understand? Really? You really think that?
My parents divorced when I was 4. I have never seen them happy together. My dad was forced to Cuba and stuff for the Navy. I lived with my mom, who was depressed so she slept all day. So, at age 7 I was already cooking and cleaning and taking care of my brother. At age 10 I moved in with my dad. He introduced me to the internet. I was in love.
The internet was automatically amazing to me. I got on and all the sites I could go to were great. Now, the stuff that I've seen on the internet made me understand a lot of things. I've seen dead people, people getting killed, sex, rape, threats, death threats, chain mail, idiots, etc. So, my dad even once told me a couple years ago (At the time I was 13) he said:
"Even though you're 13, she (his girlfriend) doesn't understand that you're more mature for your age. You may be 13 age wise but mentally you are probably 17."
I automatically shot back at him that I was still pretty immature. Getting angry at stupid things, etc. He tells me that I have mental issues. Hah.
So THEEEEEN, later in life, I find out about my "mental issues". Social anxiety disorder, something that makes me not be able to put thoughts into words or something. It limits my learning. And then there was more but I'm not trying to think right now. My head hurts.
And then a few months ago I got all depressed. Yaaaaaaaay.
Anxiety attacks, constant shaking and weakening, I don't talk that often anymore so now when I do talk a lot I start to lose my voice so quick. My head is always hurting, I'm always tired, but I can't sleep. Oh no no no. I can't sleep. I've been unmotivated. I've felt like nothing. I don't even feel like typing all of this.
I'll type the rest later.
I need to finish this project.
Which I probably won't do. I'll probably do lay down and think or maybe even just stare at stuff.
It's a hobby, you know?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
So, let's think.
My room is dark, I am in deep thought.
I'll type down every single thought that goes through my mind to my best ability.
Why?
Why do I have to do things that adults tell me to do? Will it really help me in life? To learn about things I won't need is a waste of time. I could just start on with the education I need for the job that I want and will have. I could start life much earlier, right? Who says you have to be 18 years old to be an adult? The law? Really, who gives a fuck?
Why?
Why would you block certain things from the public? Are you scared of reality? Is it really at all inappropriate? Why say you can't do something, when obviously they can. They are held back by rules. Censorship. Killing, sex, religion, pain, it's all real. Don't hide yourself and everyone else from it. They need to know. If you hide all graphic pictures, it won't help them at all later. If you keep them safe and sound with rules at school and other places, it's much worse. What if they get hurt? They will have never had the experience to fight back. Why hide everything from people? It's all real. They can't be stuck in their own imagination for long.
Why?
Why does no one think anymore? Were you taught that if you try hard enough you can be whatever you want to be? I'm sure you were. At young ages, children are taught that everything is happy. Everything is nice, everything is great. If you try hard enough you can be whatever. But then when they go out into the real world and face reality, what happens? They get hurt. Do you want your children to get hurt? Do you want your friends and family to suffer? Creativity isn't a bad thing. It's wonderful. But, when you use it in a way as I said earlier, it's stupid. Why manipulate everyone's minds at a young age? It will only lead them to hurt in the future.
Why?
Why are things hidden? Why would you keep it all a secret? Why won't you let me speak? Many people have corrupted and manipulated minds of what the world is and should be like. Very few people have a more realistic view. Do you honestly believe that school will give you success? There are many people who have finished high school and college--that are living in the streets. There are also drop outs that have gotten into good colleges and got great jobs. School is nothing. Sure, everyone makes you think it's important as a kid. But, why grade a kid on his work efforts? No one wants to work in an environment like school. A straight failure student could be a brilliant kid. Why judge people on their grades? Why grade people on their work ethics? Why even bother using grades? If kids don't get through life it's their fault. You choose to listen in class, not everyone else. No one can physically force you to do anything. If they do, hey, it's illegal. You know, abuse. O_<
Why?
Why do people have to be so fake? Why would you want to follow other people. Why can't people be themselves? If you aren't dressed in top fashion and don't have the personality of a bitch, you're automatically lame? One who follows is lame. They can't think for themselves. The ironic thing is, all of those followers say the same thing. They call themselves "original" "unique" "crazy" "random" "emo" "scene" "ugly" "fat" "stupid" "nerdy". Are they any of those? Most likely, they are not.
Why?
Why make yourself believe something that is obviously not true? An example is love. A typical girl nowadays gets a boyfriend. Alright, they like each other. The girl breaks up with the boy, cries for a day, and date another boy. And the cycle continues, of course. Think about it, you know it's true. They say the same thing for each boy. "He's all I care about. I love him. Him and I will be together forever." No. You won't. Think, why don't you? Why can't girls make up their mind? I've made up mine. Put some thought into your fucking choices.
I'm pretty stupid. Yeah, say it. I'm only 14. What can I really say? I'm stupid. バカバカバーカ。 But, at least I know what I'm talking about. But, I also don't know what I'm taking about. I know much more than you think I know. You can say I'm mature for my age, and that's why I don't get along with people my own age. I'll just shut up now. Who will ever agree with me, anyway? No one cares, no one listens. No one gives a fuck of what I have to say. My parents don't listen to me. They do what THEY think is right. Not what I think is right. It's my life. Please, just listen and think about what I said in this post. Doesn't it make sense? I'm not stupid. Stop calling me stupid.
I'll type down every single thought that goes through my mind to my best ability.
Why?
Why do I have to do things that adults tell me to do? Will it really help me in life? To learn about things I won't need is a waste of time. I could just start on with the education I need for the job that I want and will have. I could start life much earlier, right? Who says you have to be 18 years old to be an adult? The law? Really, who gives a fuck?
Why?
Why would you block certain things from the public? Are you scared of reality? Is it really at all inappropriate? Why say you can't do something, when obviously they can. They are held back by rules. Censorship. Killing, sex, religion, pain, it's all real. Don't hide yourself and everyone else from it. They need to know. If you hide all graphic pictures, it won't help them at all later. If you keep them safe and sound with rules at school and other places, it's much worse. What if they get hurt? They will have never had the experience to fight back. Why hide everything from people? It's all real. They can't be stuck in their own imagination for long.
Why?
Why does no one think anymore? Were you taught that if you try hard enough you can be whatever you want to be? I'm sure you were. At young ages, children are taught that everything is happy. Everything is nice, everything is great. If you try hard enough you can be whatever. But then when they go out into the real world and face reality, what happens? They get hurt. Do you want your children to get hurt? Do you want your friends and family to suffer? Creativity isn't a bad thing. It's wonderful. But, when you use it in a way as I said earlier, it's stupid. Why manipulate everyone's minds at a young age? It will only lead them to hurt in the future.
Why?
Why are things hidden? Why would you keep it all a secret? Why won't you let me speak? Many people have corrupted and manipulated minds of what the world is and should be like. Very few people have a more realistic view. Do you honestly believe that school will give you success? There are many people who have finished high school and college--that are living in the streets. There are also drop outs that have gotten into good colleges and got great jobs. School is nothing. Sure, everyone makes you think it's important as a kid. But, why grade a kid on his work efforts? No one wants to work in an environment like school. A straight failure student could be a brilliant kid. Why judge people on their grades? Why grade people on their work ethics? Why even bother using grades? If kids don't get through life it's their fault. You choose to listen in class, not everyone else. No one can physically force you to do anything. If they do, hey, it's illegal. You know, abuse. O_<
Why?
Why do people have to be so fake? Why would you want to follow other people. Why can't people be themselves? If you aren't dressed in top fashion and don't have the personality of a bitch, you're automatically lame? One who follows is lame. They can't think for themselves. The ironic thing is, all of those followers say the same thing. They call themselves "original" "unique" "crazy" "random" "emo" "scene" "ugly" "fat" "stupid" "nerdy". Are they any of those? Most likely, they are not.
Why?
Why make yourself believe something that is obviously not true? An example is love. A typical girl nowadays gets a boyfriend. Alright, they like each other. The girl breaks up with the boy, cries for a day, and date another boy. And the cycle continues, of course. Think about it, you know it's true. They say the same thing for each boy. "He's all I care about. I love him. Him and I will be together forever." No. You won't. Think, why don't you? Why can't girls make up their mind? I've made up mine. Put some thought into your fucking choices.
I'm pretty stupid. Yeah, say it. I'm only 14. What can I really say? I'm stupid. バカバカバーカ。 But, at least I know what I'm talking about. But, I also don't know what I'm taking about. I know much more than you think I know. You can say I'm mature for my age, and that's why I don't get along with people my own age. I'll just shut up now. Who will ever agree with me, anyway? No one cares, no one listens. No one gives a fuck of what I have to say. My parents don't listen to me. They do what THEY think is right. Not what I think is right. It's my life. Please, just listen and think about what I said in this post. Doesn't it make sense? I'm not stupid. Stop calling me stupid.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
HEY!
So, I'm failing school and everyone around me!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
:3 I'm excited.
I can't wait to be a 25 year old sophomore!
Oooooh > w <
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
:3 I'm excited.
I can't wait to be a 25 year old sophomore!
Oooooh > w <
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